The Dark Night
Created by
(Sigit
Wahyu Illahi and Annisa Nur Rahmawati)
One night when rain was still go down, Emma went to
Bandung from Jakarta because her paper was left yesterday in her house in
Bandung. Besides, tomorrow morning she must brings that paper for meeting. She drove
her car quickly because this road is quite but Emma is not afraid although she
must through woods, she never afraid to anything. She still drove her car with
played her favorite music loudly. Suddenly, she is shocked,her car was treading
a big hole in the road.
But after minutes later, she stopped her car. After
she was down from the car, she saw her wheel deflated. She tried to call
someone for help but no signal there. Finally,she decidedto look for someone to
help, but no body out there. After minutes she walked around, she found a shack
which seems that house inhabited. Emma knocked the door.
“Excuse me! Excuse me, Mam! Excuse
me, Sir!”
Then, the door opened by an old
woman. Emma shocked.
“What happen in this late night?”
said the old woman.
“I’m sorry, Mam. My wheel deflated,
I can’t continue my way. Do you have a son can help me?”
“Oh, My God! Ssshhhhh!! Go into my
house!” the old women pulled Emma into her house.
“You must know, this woods is
haunted. Many people lost mysteriosly. You should stay here until morning.The
ruleshere, don’t go out in the woods for everyone.” said old woman explicitly.
“But, I must go to Bandung now,
tomorrow I have meeting, Mam.” Emma refused.
“You should stay here! It’s too dangerous
out there!”
Finally, Emma decided to stay there
because the old women really convince her that out there is dangerous.
“What is your name?” the old woman
made question.
“My name is Emma, Mam”
“Just call me Nancy!” the old women
said with angry.
“I have question. What happen about
the people who are lost?” Emma is anxious.
“In this woods, there is woman can
changes the people become ugly and trap in this woods forever. So, many people
lost mysteriously.”
“Why she…….”
“Sshhh! You must sleep now!” the old
women said with angry.
Emma shocked and embittered about
that and still confused about her paper tomorrow. She decided to wake earlier
tomorrow and she will find signal for her phone then call her assistant for
appoint her in meeting and say sorry about the paper. After Emma drank a cup of
tea, she slept.
In the morning, Emma woke up, but
she felt different with her eyes. Her eyes was hazy to look everything. She looked
a woman in front of her, and she laughed loudly.
“Hey, ugly! I’m so sorry. But thank
you, you save my life” she said.
“What do you mean? Who are you?”
Emma confused.
“I’m Nancy. I cut your hair last
night, and finally I become beautiful again. My curse is gone. But I’m sorry I
changes you become an old woman. I’m very tired here. I have stayed here for
two years and can’t go anywhere.” she said.
Emma looked at all her body become
old. Emma cried and afraid couldn’t go home.
“Last night I told you about the
women can changes the people. It is me, Emma! Two years ago I same with you. I
met an old woman in this woods, but she changed me. I think this curse is never
ending. But, you don’t sad, your curse will gone if you can cut the woman’s
hair”
“Please, changes me again!” Emma
still cried.
“I can’t, Emma. You must stay here
and waiting for someone comes. Thank you.” Then Nancy left Emma alone.
Emma confused and still cried all
that day. She couldn’t go anywhere, she only went around there. All the day
Emma still thought to defend her life and how to leave from there. Emma was
conscious that she must back to her home. She missed her parents and her
friends. Every day Emma felt lonely. She tried to find about this curse, she looked
for everything could became evidence about that. Finally, she found a picture
on the old cupboard. In that picture, there was a couple, but ripped. Behind the
picture, she found a sentence about the couple were love each other, but
someday the husband was angry because his wife was dishonest to him. Emma thank
that this curse was consequent from the husband to his wife, so the husband was
cage his wife. But it’s not fair! Emma still didn’t know what she did except
found her victim.
Some months over, she still felt
lonely. One day, someone knocked the door.
“Excuse me! Anybody here?” the sounds like a woman.
Emma exited to open the door. She looked at a girl.
She immediately thank about the plan to changes her.
“Excuse me, Mam! May I stay here for a while?”
Suddenly a man came and said “Excuse me, Mam! My
name is Rio. That’s my sister, Angel. May we stay here for one night? My gasoline
is used up. And I think no one sell gasoline around here.”
Emma just quite and amazed because she not looked for
a handsome man for a long time in the woods. Then, Emma invited them to come
in.
“Where you go in this night? This woods is dangerous
and many people lost mysteriously.” Said Emma
“We are going to Jakarta to find work with my
sister”
“… and I am unbelievable about that, Mam.” Rio said.
“You cansleep here” said Emma.
“Yes, Mam. It’s okay. I thank you a lot. Can I help
you for anything?”
“No. Go to sleep!”
After they sleep, Emma would cut Angel’s hair for
changes herself again. But, Emma thought again when she looked at Rio slept.
Rio looked kind person and love his sister, and Emma was falling in love with
Rio since first meet him. Finally, Emma canceled her plan. She was worry to
make Rio felt sad, but actually Emma want changes again like before. She was
very confused all that night and she couldn’t sleep.
At the morning, Emma still confused, she won’t Rio
and Angel left her alone. So, Emma extended the time with required Rio and Emma
to find wood. They helped Emma frequently. After they back and bought wood,
Emma was more confused what will she do again.
“Mam, are you okay? Can I help you?” said Rio.
Emma just quite and she cried.
“I can’t do that. I can’t do that…….”
“Don’t worry, I can help you, Mam”
“No, you can’t. I live with all curse. I won’t here.
I want go home and changes again like before” said Emma while still crying.
“What do you mean?” Rio shocked.
“Actually, I just a woman and then I get a curse so
I change become an old woman and I can’t go anywhere. I can change like before,
but I must make your sister become my victim. But, I can’t”
“so, you’re evil?” Rio was angry.
“No, no. Listen, I can’t do that because you and
your sister are kind person. And I am falling in love with you. But, I also
want changes again. I don’t know what I will doing now.” Emma still crying.
Rio and Angel are shock after listens that
clarification. They just quite while Emma crying. But, suddenly, the miracle
was come. Emma changedto become a beautiful woman. They was confused.
“You change…” Rio amazed.
“You’re beautiful” said Angel.
Emma woke up from her crying. She looked at her body
changes. She was surprised and very happy. Her curse was
gone and she can go home now. One sentence can make Emma happy and always
remember when Angel said to her “Thank you for your honest and willing to not
change me and love my brother. You’re not egoist. You’re kind and beautiful”
Putting the grammatical error aside, this was a fairly good reading. The plot is interesting. Though, the writers could do some improvements in the way they present the story. For a mystery story, I didn't get the horror chill.
BalasHapusMy suggestion is rely more on the description and less on the character dialogues. You can tell the reader how the forest is haunted without a character states so. Rather than that, try using a description. For example (roughly, that is):
For someone who had never been out of town, driving through the woods could be a scary experience. Especially as he night came and there were no lights around except the one coming from her car. However, this woods was unlike any woods. There was something that gave her a chill. There was something from the woods that was wrong. It was as if an animal (a bear or a wolf) could jump at her out of nowhere. At least Emma thought so.
So she continued driving, ignoring her pounding heart.
I love this one! Grant them the prize, please ;)
BalasHapusThat's very interesting. Good Job Annisa and Sigit!
BalasHapusI chose the stories randomly. And I found the right one here in my first choice. :) But, it's gonna be better to have smoother ending. Nice work.
BalasHapus